40
  • Published:
  • August 15, 2016

Category:
WEP – How Does Your Garden Die?

asublogBLOGHOP

I’ve always had a fascination with gardens. It is not one your mind would instantly go to though. My fascination has always been why someone would want to take all that time to grow flowers that last for a short while and then die off. That and why anyone would want to dig through the dirt that they used manure in a while ago to grow said flowers. But thankfully, I can keep my mouth shut when I try really hard. That was the case with Amanda, the garden nut.

We moved in together a short while back and everything was great. I did make her shower after digging in that dirt. She thought it was because I wanted her to cool off after being outdoors for so long. I guess she got it in her head that I feared she might get heat stroke. Who was I to tell her any different?

I can admit that our lawn looked like something out of one of those magazines. You know, the kind that Photoshop everything and pretend it is real. Do they even make magazines anymore? The ones in any office I sit and wait at are always five years old. One even said Pluto was still a planet. Talk about out of date information. Oh, right. I better get on with it before you are bored.

She spent most of the day out in that thing. It was like the garden was her second lover. I swear she would have done the landscaping if there was a way. FYI, all her landscaping remained outdoors though, if you know what I mean. But I persevered as I got the one thing any guy wants pretty regularly. Plus she did grow some mighty fine veggies in the backyard. That saved me money.

Speaking of money, do you think she had a job? Nope! She said gardening was her passion and that was her purpose in life. If only her passion of digging through manure paid the bills. The meager royalties from a poor starving author doesn’t really cover much. Thankfully her parents were rich though, so we had that going for us.

But soon, as the fate of many spoiled rich brats, her parents cut us bums off. Instantly I was the one to have to go and get a “real” job. She couldn’t leave her precious garden alone all day because it needed to hear the sound of her voice. So, I did what any landscaped or not whipped guy would do, I went and got a “real” job.

It was a decent paying job. It covered things like the mortgage and your normal house bills. But having a roof over her head wasn’t enough. Her garden wasn’t getting the water it needed. Did I mention it needed pure spring water? Rain or tap water would not do. She even put a tarp of her precious gardens when the weather called for rain. So obviously I needed to get a second job to pay for the needs of her gardens.

That right there was the last straw. I know, I know. I should have hit the road long ago, but that one thing was very good. So I packed my crap and left her in the house her parents helped us buy and left her with the bills that came with it. Hey, I wasn’t stupid enough to put anything in my own name. She and her garden can enjoy the expenses that come with home ownership all on their own. Plus her parents thought I was a bum. Being an author can get that response. So they wouldn’t let my name be on anything. I like my first reasoning better though, don’t you?

Life went on and her gardens began to die. I saw her every once in a while and I got an evil glare. I thought it was only a glare of hate, but it turns out there was something more there. A few days after I last saw the garden nut her parents mysteriously croaked. She got everything and within two weeks the gardens in the front of the house were flourishing once more.

If you are thinking what I was thinking at the time, you are right. The cops couldn’t find any evidence for charges to stick though. How am I so sure when they weren’t? I am getting to that, so hold your horses. Whoops, I used a cliché. Would that be cliché or just some stupid saying? I’m not in the mood to look. Heck, I can’t go look. There is no internet connection where I’m at. I don’t even know how I’m typing this out. But we’ll just go with it.

She showed up at the door to my new fleabag apartment another week later. She had veggies and apologized for being so hard on me. I wasn’t taking any more of her crap though. So I took the veggies and pushed her out the door. I know, I pushed her. Call 911. That is such an awful thing to do. Is it out of your system now? Good!

I cooked dinner up and ate the veggies she left. And that is when I found out what had happened to her parents. The room started to spin and the last thing I saw was her smiling at me through the window. Then everything went fuzzy. Where I am now I have no clue. A restless spirit on the prowl maybe? But I do know where my body is. It is currently under the dead veggie garden in the back of her house. It is matching the dead gardens in the front of the house rather well. What was that? You thought the front gardens were flourishing? I’ll get to that.

It turns out she used some poison on me that has some big long name I can’t spell. That’s what I get for always turning to Google in life for spelling. That, or not becoming a doctor. Anyway, the poison that I can’t spell has no effect on flowers or any other plant life. It actually is less damning to them than some pesticides. But what it is more damning to is to those who eat it. If you eat pesticides, you may or may not get sick over time. But if you eat food grown from the poisoned body of the man you killed and buried beneath your garden for fertilizer, you suffer the same fate.

So I guess you can say the garden nut choked on me. A fine fate for her and her gardens. Maybe I’m here as a warning to all vegetarians and people who eat healthy. If I had eaten crap like so many others I’d still be alive. Or maybe if I hadn’t dated a garden nut. I know, the later would make more sense but it doesn’t sound as philosophical. I’m dead, cut me some slack.

In closing all I have to say is one should date people who care about landscaping more within than without. Oh, that was rather good. Too bad I couldn’t have come up with that when I was alive. That and a little junk won’t kill you as fast as a garden nut. Also, be sure and know what you’ve got growing beneath your garden before you eat it. Better yet, just buy it at the store. Way easier. I better go before I end this more times than Lord of The Rings ended. I wouldn’t want to show them up. Happy haunting!

 

There we go. There is my write, edit, publish show. A few days early, I know. But that is how may garden does grow. Or die in this case. Are you a garden nut? Oh, and stupid blog won’t indent paragraphs or get rid of spaces. Must be some coding thing.

Enjoy life, forget the strife.

40 Comments

Denise Covey

2016-08-15 02:32:12 Reply

Hi Pat!

This is a priceless take on the challenge! Great voice. I knew something bad was going to happen, but this was even badder than bad! Loved the dark humour and the two characters. And here i was expecting a riotous poem from you!

Thanks for joining us this month for the challenge! I hope you add your name and talent to the list for future challenges. The next one is science fiction I do believe.

Oh, and I’ve added the DL (Direct Link) after your name on the list so people know you’ve posted!

Denise 🙂

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-15 12:30:09 Reply

    The cat has his rhyming thing at his wing. Figured I’d try it here. The dark humor just flowed and away I did go. Sure I’ll try more in the future.

Elephant's Child

2016-08-15 02:49:10 Reply

Snickering loudly here.
I am a garden nut. And, in a fit of pique cleaned my fingernails with my partner’s toothbrush after a long gardening session. I did confess before he used it (really I did).
But now I have other thoughts growing in my head…

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-15 12:28:59 Reply

    Well good you told him at least. Hope he had another one.

Yolanda Renee

2016-08-15 02:59:43 Reply

I love gardening, but I do wear gloves, well, most of the time! 😉
Be careful what you bury in the garden. Love the way your mind works! She got her revenge, but karma is a bitch! LOL

Glad to know someone else had murder in mind for this prompt! 🙂

Thanks so much for participating in the WEP Gardens Challenge! Truly enjoyed your submission!

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-15 12:28:12 Reply

    Glad it was enjoyed. Yeah, that is where my mind went too. Murder and payback from beyond the grave

Snowcatcher

2016-08-15 03:51:56 Reply

Oh, did you have me going. I was going to rib you so bad! Oh, were you ever going to get it in the comments tomorrow! But now you’re dead, and to make fun of you over your garden-lady would be in such poor taste.

You know you could write another whole novel about this, don’t you??? 🙂

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-15 12:27:29 Reply

    haha I could spin it into a full fledged tale, but I’m dead. Oops.

Alex J. Cavanaugh

2016-08-15 16:35:15 Reply

At least she got hers in the end. Bummer you’re dead though.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-15 16:52:22 Reply

    Yeah, that part kinda sucks

Roland Yeomans

2016-08-15 18:22:40 Reply

Never eat the food of a woman scorned! ‘Nuff Said. Great voice like Denise said. Your prose pulled me along. 🙂

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-15 22:22:24 Reply

    haha, yep, never ever eat the food

Olga Godim

2016-08-16 05:16:14 Reply

Ouch! A murderer and a jerk got together – and poof! Good riddance to both. Next time, don’t bury anything in your veggie garden.
Great story.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-16 12:39:39 Reply

    haha yeah, never bury anything there

DG Hudson

2016-08-16 23:42:08 Reply

Well, you do have a few valid points. A gardener can spend an inordinate amount of time digging in that dirt, but most – except for covert killers – know that you don’t bury a body in an area where you will grow food. . .that’s similar to how the church graveyards in old Paris helped spread cholera. The bodies were draining into the groundwater and wells. And one never accepts a gift from someone we have caused to dislike us.

Why garden? I liked waging a garden war on all the slugs, snails and other caterpillars that liked to eat my lovely flowers. I had a slug cemetery behind the garden wall. Tossed all those creeps in there. Inchworms – I just cut in two, to see the green blood. See what memories your story has stirred up in my mind. . .liked your post, btw. It was refreshingly morbid.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-17 12:35:31 Reply

    haha wow, stirred up a lot. Good thing the garden nut didn’t know about the body thing as payback would have never came due. Pesky bugs and green blood, there is a story right there.

dolorah

2016-08-17 07:43:36 Reply

That was awesomely funny. Loved the voice, the little quirks. Now I don’t feel so bad about eating junk food and buying my rare veges and fruits from the grocery store.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-17 12:36:06 Reply

    Proved junk food isn’t always bad and store bought veggies lol

river

2016-08-17 09:58:25 Reply

This is fabulous and quite unexpected, I love it.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-17 12:36:26 Reply

    Glad it was grand here in my land

C. Lee McKenzie

2016-08-17 16:56:31 Reply

What a shock–a bad person who gardens. This is just not right. However, I enjoyed the unusual twist and so it was a good garden story.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-17 18:12:06 Reply

    haha well they need somewhere for the bodies to go

Pat Garcia

2016-08-17 17:45:04 Reply

I really like your story. In fact, I was laughing at some of your descriptions. Nice humor.
Shalom aleichem,
Pat Garcia

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-17 18:12:32 Reply

    Humor I seem to be able to do, glad it was enjoyed

L. Diane Wolfe

2016-08-18 00:08:33 Reply

Wow, you really had me going! I thought it was for real. Way to mess with people’s minds.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-18 11:34:59 Reply

    lol always enjoy messing with people’s minds

Michael Di Gesu

2016-08-18 19:49:44 Reply

Very amusing story Pat…. Definitely the most unique one I have read so far.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-18 19:54:00 Reply

    Fun to amuse here at my sea

Toi Thomas

2016-08-19 12:27:38 Reply

I needed a good laugh, even if it did come in a wave of darkness and resentment. This is a clever story. I knew something would go wrong, but having the dead tell how they died, always gets to me. Didn’t see the ending coming. Nice PSA on junk food. Well done.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-19 13:55:53 Reply

    haha resentment sure rose indeed. Had to throw the junk food bit in.

Ann Best

2016-08-19 15:06:38 Reply

Wow. You have an incredible talent for humor that not many can do, and SO creatively. I’m an “old” blogger who’s had to leave blogging at times, but look what happens when I come back. I meet some amazing writers. I looked at your book page. I have two young grandchildren who would love your stories.

And what a clever story this is. You’re a master of surprise endings. One comment about, about dead bodies polluting a garden. That made me laugh, and laughter is always good.

I am now your follower and hope to read more of your delightful stories.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-19 20:09:48 Reply

    That sure rises the old ego of me haha thanks for checking out the books. Yeah, I can mix humor in with most anything it seems. Whether bodies in a yard or fart jokes. lol

Kalpanaa

2016-08-20 10:51:52 Reply

That was really creative and quite different from most of the eulogies on gardens I read and yes, even wrote myself. Thoroughly enjoyed your story.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-20 12:55:24 Reply

    Glad it was fun and enjoyed by you at my zoo

Sally

2016-08-20 14:56:58 Reply

This is great writing. There is a lovely flow to your piece and I loved the humour which is so difficult to write without it seeming contrived.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-20 19:14:34 Reply

    The humor just blends in as I go about it and give it a spin

Hilary

2016-08-23 15:32:15 Reply

Hi Pat – gosh that was creepy … I always remember the Pot of Basil … the poem by Keats, and then the “worms crawled in and the worms crawled out; they crawled in thin and came out fat” – which is the Hearse Song apparently …

Wonderful story telling … though I think I’m off gardens for a while – and veg where I know not whence they came!

Cheers – such fun to read … or not – as the case may be! Hilary

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-23 19:49:42 Reply

    haha worms ate them up, we all become worm food in the end, unless we’re burnt I suppose. At least you won’t have any garden work to do haha

Truedessa

2016-08-28 22:06:53 Reply

OMG – This was hilarious you had me going at first especially when you had her taking all those showers. She loved that garden and you loved you know love.

    Pat Hatt

    2016-08-28 22:17:17 Reply

    lol threw in my ocd, even when I was dead.

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